Social Eyes

The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood.

Ralph Nichols

To sin by silence when they should protest makes cowards of men.

Abraham Lincoln

Happy Mother's Day

The problem with speeches isn't so much not knowing when to stop,

 as knowing when not to begin.  

~Frances Rodman

You can make more friends in two months 

by becoming really interested in other people

 than you can in two years by trying to 

get other people interested in you. 

Which is just another way of saying 

that the way to make 

a friend is to be one.

Dale Carnegie

I watched Tim McGraw take questions about his new video for Highway Don't Care yesterday, an amazing creation.  I thought he did a beautifully gracious job of handling the Google+ hangout and answering the questions.  No wonder he is a star.  People who are that good at things have usually been practicing them for a long time -  maybe since they were very small, like my hungry, restless great niece in these pictures, who clearly has a future in entertaining at some level.   

We grew up having a lot of opportunities to socialize and entertain.  Mom and Dad both loved having company and our friends were as welcome as theirs.  We hosted gatherings year round.  Summer was full of sleeping under the stars, winter activities were playing games, ice-skating and sledding.  Mom made beds, did laundry and cooked.  She had freezers and pantries stocked, ready for company at a moment's notice.  Dad groomed the ice, usually willingly, sometimes grumbling, helped us with packing the snow for the first run or two on the hill and kept our motor bikes running and filled with gas and oil.  We sometimes begged him to play too, but he had forgotten how, I guess.  When I think back on all that was done to accommodate our activities, I am amazed.  

Having the ability to socialize smoothly is something to cultivate.  My mother-in-law loved to socialize and was "ordained" the social butterfly by her sister Lois, a title she claimed proudly for as long as she lived.  Because she was not in the least bit interested in relinquishing her designation as queen of the party, I stepped aside and allowed her to fill the role she perceived to belong to her, usually even at our table.  She came to categorize me as socially inept, the result of a few times I tried to maintain ownership of the conversational ball, but I think that secretly it somehow suited her purposes to chose the topics.  One day she announced to our guests that she didn't understand how my husband and I would be able to enjoy heaven since we didn't seem to care much for being with people.  More than upsetting me, it gave me insight about her perception of heaven.  I was also taken aback, partly because she had what I believed to be a misconception about me.  That someone could spend as much time with us as she did and still maintain her false assumption was quite enlightening.  I should have been a doctor of psychology perhaps!  

I had married into a very large family; my mother-in-law had 14 younger siblings, which monopolized our calender.  Noting that there was a constant round of birthdays, anniversaries, and other events, our social life was more or less planned around family occasions, so we learned to value the weekends that weren't spoken for.  "Yay, we get to stay home and clean the garage or mow the lawn!"  As a new-comer, I was pretty sure my input would be minimal when it came to changing the status quo, so I set out to enjoy and learn about my new family, which was not difficult.  Not only were they fun to be with, but I had plenty of opportunities.

Fitting into my mother-in-law's label didn't really disturb me too much most of the time, so I let it pass.  I had done a lot of entertaining, and didn't mind letting someone else take the responsibility.  These are things, I thought, that made life with mother-in-laws a little easier.  I don't know if I am wrong or right.  It seemed easiest at the time.  Peace was more important to me than being right and most important was that because I was new to the family, I needed to find out how they thought and interacted.  I was aware of being a very minor cog in the very big wheel that was their history.

Prior to getting married,I had a friend once tell me after watching me in a social situation that our new friend was very impressed that I seemed to genuinely care about her.  She felt my interest in meeting her was real and she felt drawn to me immediately.  I didn't have a conscious plan to make that impression, so I was surprised by the comment, and honored.  By that time I was eighteen and had years of practice being part of the host family team.  I think people are very interesting.  I enjoy meeting many types of people and learning about them, while at the same time I don't think they should feel any pressure from me to converse or become best buds.  My secret weapon is simply warmth.  Being with my younger siblings and watching them interact with others now, I see the same easy interest in others that I have.  I think this is one of the things that makes us happy to be together now.  We back each other up and inspire each other, strengthening one another synergistically.  And we trust each other.

When it is said that socializing is tricky business, my thought is that people are maybe trying too hard to get the attention of the most "important" person in the room, or to be the star of the show.  The true star just is, and doesn't have to work too hard at it. The most important person in the room, you may have noticed, probably has excellent social skills.  It may be a better idea to stand nearby and take some lessons rather than compete with them.  What is drawing people to them?  Be aware.  If you're really behind in learning the skills you need, forgive yourself, watch someone you admire and learn.  Copy.  It's not that hard if you get out of your own way.  Being the oldest child in our family, maybe one of the lessons I learned is that my sibs were just as good socially as I, and maybe better.  Not being a shining star meant I just needed to find an empty place and fill it.  It usually is not difficult to find someone else sitting quietly and start a conversation.

Being nice to every one is a seriously handy social skill.  I saw it practiced by the most popular girl in my class.  Don't be loud.  You're not trying to attract the attention of everyone in the room at the same time, after all.  The easiest way to talk to people is to ask them about themselves.  If they don't want to talk about themselves, and they don't want to talk about you either, maybe they have something else on their mind.  Let them be.  There are other fish in the sea.  If this isn't your day, maybe next time.  It's like Rook.  Sometimes you just have an off night and can't get a good hand to save your life. It may be the end of the world as we know it for some die hard Rook players, but I say go home and recuperate!  Then have another go and see if you can do better the next time.

From watching some cringe-worthy moments, I avoid too much humor right away and try hard not to go into a crowd feeling either unimportant or too important.  A well placed pun can really loosen people up but it needs to come from someone who has a good feeling for working the room, and that person usually isn't  thinking about their own discomfort.  They are thinking about other's discomfort and they probably have some practice dealing with those situations.  Let them - and cooperate without feeling threatened.  If the sense of humor you have isn't striking the right chord, you know people aren't "getting" you.  Test it out, and drop it if it seems awkward.  Maybe someone else will appreciate you.  It is fine if you don't shine this round.  Flexibility is a great tool to have in social situations.

I appreciate people who don't congregate in small groups to whisper about others.  It may be harmless, although I have doubts about that, but probably is a social killer for some people you would like to get to know better.  Who do you think is going to trust you after seeing that level of childish and off-putting behavior?  If someone is so willing to share gossipy tidbits,  I have to wonder what they will say about me the second I leave.  Good conversation doesn't stoop to those levels!  You can keep your dignity.  Although it sometimes means you have to walk away, it's worth it.  When I see behavior like that, it is fair warning that there is a character flaw.  I know I don't want to get too involved with people I can't trust, so I choose to avoid them.  Strangely enough, they may be able to read this paragraph and either not see themselves in it, or find a way to justify their bad behavior. Remarkable!

If you are going to a gathering where you don't know the people well, find out something about current events.  It is a simple suggestion that  really works: look up some current news before attending a gathering.  Always remember, everyone needs a good listener. Often they will fill in the details if you ask for them.  It helps to be honest, and humble.  You aren't expected to know everything.  In fact, a brilliant conversationalist often responds with some great questions.  We had lively conversations while traveling with my sister's family.  Our topic?  Everyone has a story.  What interesting person have you met recently that you may want to write about in a book?  Our conversation took an inspirational turn as we learned about some amazing people doing some amazing things.  Some book ideas were suggested for me, and maybe it isn't too late to follow up.  

http://www.wikihow.com/Start-a-Conversation-When-You-Have-Nothing-to-Talk-About