Not Kidding

Because I think every child star suffers through this period because you're not the cute and charming child that you were. You start to grow, and they want to keep you little forever.

Michael Jackson

  I'm constantly saying to myself, 'I'm lucky I was born in the United States.'

Melinda Gates

We have to be careful in how we use this light shined on us.

Melinda Gates

Chaos

Wouldn't it be nice if we could truly pass on the lessons we learned when raising children to the next generation?  Suppose we did not have to watch them make the same mistakes we did.  What if we really listened to our children?  When I saw the story about a child less than two years old telling her parents that her legs felt "tight" and from that they figured out she had severe juvenile arthritis, I was reminded of the day my two year old didn't want to eat dinner.   Because he refused only one food, pureed red beets, as a baby, and continued to refuse to eat them at any time up until now, you would think I would have been immediately clued in that something was wrong.  Instead, visions of gagging on the peas I was forced to eat as a child played their persistent movie in my head.  I eventually learned to like peas despite a few mad dashes to the bathroom mid-meal to throw up in the toilet.  This change of heart was no small feat, and owed much to the disgusted look on Dad's face when I returned to the table for another try.  Such vast experience was my clue that my child was being defiant when he squirmed in his chair instead of eating the food in front of him.  Of course I gave myself the most terrible mother on the planet award later that night when the onset of tummy troubles was more evident.   Lesson learned.  But there was another lesson coming, of that I was to be assured.  

How we talk to ourselves is how we talk to our children.  In our efforts to guide them with our abundance of wisdom, parents use the voice of great authority to pass along their sage advice.  Little do we know that our words and our tone is the pattern they will use to parent their own children.  If we think we could have done a better job, it's a sad lesson to have to sit by and watch them be focused on the importance of getting the laundry folded into neat piles rather than to giggle and laugh while piling the warm clean contents of the basket upon our heads.  So proud I was of my neat job of lining all the children's books up on the shelf.  Not so proud that I got upset when my child decided it was much more interesting to see them strewn all over the floor.  Why else would they be at child's eye level than for the purpose of discovering the dizzying delight of proudly swiping them all off the shelf and throwing them all over the floor.  The twinkle in the eye turned to confusion when he realized that I did not think it was a fun game.   Instead of the wonder of discovery in their eyes, the child is treated to the parent's dismay to a degree that simply doesn't compute in a two year old brain.  So they try again, this time when you're not looking.  Same thing.  "Mom got mad again, but that sure was fun."  Not that I am advocating letting a child make a game of everything!  Respect for books was a lesson for the house, and outside play for the destructive type of fun that created loud noises and big messes.

One lesson learned is that we too often blame the kids.  It does not seem to matter if we have lost or misplaced something or are just mildly annoyed at life's latest inconvenience, the child's sudden need for something (anything from a glass of milk to dinner or a nap) becomes a perfect excuse to decide they are the problem.   How many times are the kids blamed for taking tools and not returning them?  If it was the case that they were at fault, now that the kids are gone, you would think I would be able to keep a screw driver and a tape measure handy in the kitchen drawer, but no.  With no kids at home to blame, there is no doubt who is the culprit - my husband - who does not seem to appreciate hearing that I blame him for taking off with the tool I do not have at the precise moment he requests it.  Funny how that works.  Never mind.  I know exactly where the hammer is at this moment.  The bathroom.  Don't ask.  

 15 Bean Soup

Our Lane

I think that the only way to teach is by example, 

as children will more easily follow what they 

see you do than what you tell them to do.

Gloria Estefan

Calm

Cold Lunch

Snow-topped 

Multitasking is a part of my everyday life.

Monica Denise Brown

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

W.C Fields

Home On The Range

"How often at night,"

"When the heaven's are bright,"

"With the light of the glittering stars,"

Everything that is really great and inspiring is

 created by the individual who can labor in freedom"

  Albert Einstein

"Have I stood there amazed,"

                                           http://www.drselz.com/blog/2013/05/lost-opportunities

Thanks to getting the full force of my father's warning look when I chose an introverted moment, I quickly learned I had a role in social settings that he considered vital to practice.   Every situation is different because each person is different. Socializing is fluid.  Like water, which assumes the form of the container, each opportunity for interaction is new, like a new day. Many of us may never achieve expert level, but we can have fun with it.

Dad was a no-nonsense type of guy in many ways.  He decided at some moment that we were the perfect age to begin shaking hands, and he expected us to be fully responsive to his extended hand; we were tested weekly.  Full eye contact was expected to accompany our friendly smile.  Handshakes should be firm; a good grip somewhere perfectly placed in the range between painful and softly limp.    He expected every other person in the room to be the beneficiary of our interaction as well.   There was no doubt he was watching, so we knew we should just get on with it.  When the moment came for us to step up to the plate, so to speak, we weren't exactly unprepared, however.

How soon should you start working on socialization skills with kids?  Well, I turned out perfectly, so I thought I should hand out some timely advice. (I thought I should tell you that in case there was any doubt.) In real time, I would express that light boasting with a twinkle and a smile to tell you I was serious...ly kidding.  You may have to look close if I am confident you understand that, or if I am testing you to see how seriously you take yourself.   Will we have fun together?  Can you take a joke if it's posing as ego?  Can you take a joke if it is not self-deprecating?  If confidence seems to you intimidating, what does that tell you about yourself?

I can adjust my level of interaction by noticing your responses, and they tell me something about you.  These are the tweaks we use when we socialize.  If we aren't slipping into a gentle give-and-take interaction, it may be that, like the dials for heat on a water heater, someone's values or attitude are needing an adjustment.  If you aren't responding to me, I will back off to give you space, because that is what your body language is telling me you want.

We teach babies how to respond by our happy smiles. We coo and talk with them to interact as soon as they arrive in this world. We clap and cheer them on, acting generally a little silly over their first smile and their first attempts at "bye-bye".  We hold out our hands and coax them to come to us as they take their first steps.  By fourth grade when our parents took us out of school for two weeks for a trip to Alaska to visit our aunt we knew enough to be polite and kind to these unfamiliar family members.  Although we hardly knew them and felt uneasy about being on the receiving side of gushy greetings and overly sweet hugs from virtual strangers, we didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so we were tolerant of the treatment and thankful for both it's brevity and infrequency.

For extroverted or confident children, they may not need much coaching.  Kids who drive you crazy with telling silly jokes are going to be using more sophisticated jokes and other social skills to interact with people every chance they get.   From the standpoint of a mom and grandma, I would urge you to watch and see how kids express themselves.  You may even be able to follow their lead and make some new friends.  They may have a style all their own, but with your guidance and support achieve expert level at a young age.  For instance, around our  family table we talked about plumbing "things" (customers, gross stuff, etc.) at the table without losing our appetite but that didn't carry over to the table of our hosts who were less comfortable with our everyday experience.

Dad and Mom through example emphasized that the feelings of others were important; enough to temporarily set aside any feelings of my own discomfort long enough to approach others in a friendly fashion.  Both of them stepped up to the plate frequently to invite strangers into their sphere.  Some of those have become part of a large circle of caring friends.

I don't think they would say socializing always goes perfectly.  Sometimes the response is tiny from your intended "victim".  For the sensitive, that is a gentle joke.  If you are my target, I am reaching out to see if we can make a connection.  Sometimes we feel a little dazed after an attempt to reach out to someone.  "What just happened there?'  Other times it goes more like God who started with chaos and little-by-little built the whole earth out of nothing but words of encouragement.  He said that it was good, and in the end, God said that it was very good.  If I have faced a challenging social situation and made a little progress, I feel the same way.  Difficult maybe, but something to build on; it was good.

"And asked, as I gazed,"

"If their glory exceeds that of ours."

"Most men believe that it would benefit them if they could get a little from those who have more. How much more would it benefit them if they would learn a little from those who know more" - 

Rev. William J. H. Boetcke

"Home, home on the range,"

"Where the deer and the antelope play,"

Difficult things take a long time, impossible things a little longer. ~André A. Jackson

"Where seldom is heard,"

"A discouraging word,"

"And the skies are not cloudy all day."

Don't be discouraged.  It's often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock.

  ~Author Unknown

Golf is not a game, it's bondage.  It was obviously devised 

by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins. 

 ~Jim Murray

More about Mother's Day 

the whole truth ~ living it up and then some

It felt like my day.  Actually, my week.  Flowers arrived well in advance.  

Kids called.  Mom liked her gift.    

Just for Fun

Dreamy Dusk

My New Attitude

Requested Mother's Day Breakfast ~ Oatmeal with cherries, apples and bananas.  And cinnamon.

Solo Shopping at Leisure.

Kale Salad with Smoked Salmon

Alfredo with Tomatoes, Bacon, Onions 

Tea and Table Settings Event - Homesteader Museum

Jerry's Pick of the Lot -
 while waiting for dessert we enjoyed the
effects of back lighting on our centerpiece -
 looked like it was floating, he said.

 We promised ourselves a 15 mile bike ride that very day.

Last But Not Least

Social Eyes

The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood.

Ralph Nichols

To sin by silence when they should protest makes cowards of men.

Abraham Lincoln

Happy Mother's Day

The problem with speeches isn't so much not knowing when to stop,

 as knowing when not to begin.  

~Frances Rodman

You can make more friends in two months 

by becoming really interested in other people

 than you can in two years by trying to 

get other people interested in you. 

Which is just another way of saying 

that the way to make 

a friend is to be one.

Dale Carnegie

I watched Tim McGraw take questions about his new video for Highway Don't Care yesterday, an amazing creation.  I thought he did a beautifully gracious job of handling the Google+ hangout and answering the questions.  No wonder he is a star.  People who are that good at things have usually been practicing them for a long time -  maybe since they were very small, like my hungry, restless great niece in these pictures, who clearly has a future in entertaining at some level.   

We grew up having a lot of opportunities to socialize and entertain.  Mom and Dad both loved having company and our friends were as welcome as theirs.  We hosted gatherings year round.  Summer was full of sleeping under the stars, winter activities were playing games, ice-skating and sledding.  Mom made beds, did laundry and cooked.  She had freezers and pantries stocked, ready for company at a moment's notice.  Dad groomed the ice, usually willingly, sometimes grumbling, helped us with packing the snow for the first run or two on the hill and kept our motor bikes running and filled with gas and oil.  We sometimes begged him to play too, but he had forgotten how, I guess.  When I think back on all that was done to accommodate our activities, I am amazed.  

Having the ability to socialize smoothly is something to cultivate.  My mother-in-law loved to socialize and was "ordained" the social butterfly by her sister Lois, a title she claimed proudly for as long as she lived.  Because she was not in the least bit interested in relinquishing her designation as queen of the party, I stepped aside and allowed her to fill the role she perceived to belong to her, usually even at our table.  She came to categorize me as socially inept, the result of a few times I tried to maintain ownership of the conversational ball, but I think that secretly it somehow suited her purposes to chose the topics.  One day she announced to our guests that she didn't understand how my husband and I would be able to enjoy heaven since we didn't seem to care much for being with people.  More than upsetting me, it gave me insight about her perception of heaven.  I was also taken aback, partly because she had what I believed to be a misconception about me.  That someone could spend as much time with us as she did and still maintain her false assumption was quite enlightening.  I should have been a doctor of psychology perhaps!  

I had married into a very large family; my mother-in-law had 14 younger siblings, which monopolized our calender.  Noting that there was a constant round of birthdays, anniversaries, and other events, our social life was more or less planned around family occasions, so we learned to value the weekends that weren't spoken for.  "Yay, we get to stay home and clean the garage or mow the lawn!"  As a new-comer, I was pretty sure my input would be minimal when it came to changing the status quo, so I set out to enjoy and learn about my new family, which was not difficult.  Not only were they fun to be with, but I had plenty of opportunities.

Fitting into my mother-in-law's label didn't really disturb me too much most of the time, so I let it pass.  I had done a lot of entertaining, and didn't mind letting someone else take the responsibility.  These are things, I thought, that made life with mother-in-laws a little easier.  I don't know if I am wrong or right.  It seemed easiest at the time.  Peace was more important to me than being right and most important was that because I was new to the family, I needed to find out how they thought and interacted.  I was aware of being a very minor cog in the very big wheel that was their history.

Prior to getting married,I had a friend once tell me after watching me in a social situation that our new friend was very impressed that I seemed to genuinely care about her.  She felt my interest in meeting her was real and she felt drawn to me immediately.  I didn't have a conscious plan to make that impression, so I was surprised by the comment, and honored.  By that time I was eighteen and had years of practice being part of the host family team.  I think people are very interesting.  I enjoy meeting many types of people and learning about them, while at the same time I don't think they should feel any pressure from me to converse or become best buds.  My secret weapon is simply warmth.  Being with my younger siblings and watching them interact with others now, I see the same easy interest in others that I have.  I think this is one of the things that makes us happy to be together now.  We back each other up and inspire each other, strengthening one another synergistically.  And we trust each other.

When it is said that socializing is tricky business, my thought is that people are maybe trying too hard to get the attention of the most "important" person in the room, or to be the star of the show.  The true star just is, and doesn't have to work too hard at it. The most important person in the room, you may have noticed, probably has excellent social skills.  It may be a better idea to stand nearby and take some lessons rather than compete with them.  What is drawing people to them?  Be aware.  If you're really behind in learning the skills you need, forgive yourself, watch someone you admire and learn.  Copy.  It's not that hard if you get out of your own way.  Being the oldest child in our family, maybe one of the lessons I learned is that my sibs were just as good socially as I, and maybe better.  Not being a shining star meant I just needed to find an empty place and fill it.  It usually is not difficult to find someone else sitting quietly and start a conversation.

Being nice to every one is a seriously handy social skill.  I saw it practiced by the most popular girl in my class.  Don't be loud.  You're not trying to attract the attention of everyone in the room at the same time, after all.  The easiest way to talk to people is to ask them about themselves.  If they don't want to talk about themselves, and they don't want to talk about you either, maybe they have something else on their mind.  Let them be.  There are other fish in the sea.  If this isn't your day, maybe next time.  It's like Rook.  Sometimes you just have an off night and can't get a good hand to save your life. It may be the end of the world as we know it for some die hard Rook players, but I say go home and recuperate!  Then have another go and see if you can do better the next time.

From watching some cringe-worthy moments, I avoid too much humor right away and try hard not to go into a crowd feeling either unimportant or too important.  A well placed pun can really loosen people up but it needs to come from someone who has a good feeling for working the room, and that person usually isn't  thinking about their own discomfort.  They are thinking about other's discomfort and they probably have some practice dealing with those situations.  Let them - and cooperate without feeling threatened.  If the sense of humor you have isn't striking the right chord, you know people aren't "getting" you.  Test it out, and drop it if it seems awkward.  Maybe someone else will appreciate you.  It is fine if you don't shine this round.  Flexibility is a great tool to have in social situations.

I appreciate people who don't congregate in small groups to whisper about others.  It may be harmless, although I have doubts about that, but probably is a social killer for some people you would like to get to know better.  Who do you think is going to trust you after seeing that level of childish and off-putting behavior?  If someone is so willing to share gossipy tidbits,  I have to wonder what they will say about me the second I leave.  Good conversation doesn't stoop to those levels!  You can keep your dignity.  Although it sometimes means you have to walk away, it's worth it.  When I see behavior like that, it is fair warning that there is a character flaw.  I know I don't want to get too involved with people I can't trust, so I choose to avoid them.  Strangely enough, they may be able to read this paragraph and either not see themselves in it, or find a way to justify their bad behavior. Remarkable!

If you are going to a gathering where you don't know the people well, find out something about current events.  It is a simple suggestion that  really works: look up some current news before attending a gathering.  Always remember, everyone needs a good listener. Often they will fill in the details if you ask for them.  It helps to be honest, and humble.  You aren't expected to know everything.  In fact, a brilliant conversationalist often responds with some great questions.  We had lively conversations while traveling with my sister's family.  Our topic?  Everyone has a story.  What interesting person have you met recently that you may want to write about in a book?  Our conversation took an inspirational turn as we learned about some amazing people doing some amazing things.  Some book ideas were suggested for me, and maybe it isn't too late to follow up.  

http://www.wikihow.com/Start-a-Conversation-When-You-Have-Nothing-to-Talk-About